How can I effectively use Non-violent Communication?

Please I needs tips on how to effectively use NVC techniques.

by Paul Owens | 2nd Sep 2010

Dear Mediator, I recently qualified as accredited mediator and I work for one of the UK's largest travel agency. I recently conducted a two-party mediation between an employee and line manager. The employee alleged that his line manager consistently bullied and degraded him. The mediation experience was particularly taxing as both parties often flew into aggressive and insulting demeanour. I tried to calm the situation as best as possible and also welcomed assistance from another colleague who recently attended your non-violent communication course. She recommended NVC as an effective technique to managing difficult conversations.

Please I will appreciate any tips and advice. Thanks in advance.

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Members Comments

Dear Paul,

First, it’s great to be taking a moment to think about how you might approach a difficult conversation, whether it’s one you are facilitating or directly involved in. Above and beyond that, NVC (Non-Violent Communication) can be an effective tool for delivering messages that are constructive rather than destructive. As always, as a mediator, its important to build up trust and find out what the individuals need to move forward, likewise NVC can be a helpful way to do this. Of course, I would need to know more about the situation and allegations of bullying. However, in general terms, NVC is composed of four elements. They are:

1. Observations

2. Feelings

3. Needs and

4. Request

Observations - This alone can be one of the most effective ways to diffuse any situation. An observation is getting back to the event or behaviour that triggered the difficult situation. While there is usually more than one, it is not helpful to generalise. Each observation needs to be specific and exclude evaluation. For example, “He ignores me” might be: "When I came in the room last week he walked out," or “He continued to look at his computer when I started to talk to him.”

Feelings - This is not about what the other person has done or intended, it is about being honest as to how the person has been affected by the incident. Feelings are “I felt lonely, scared, disappointed” as opposed to “I was excluded, harassed and disrespected” – the second being evaluations of the other person’s behaviour – not their own response to that behaviour.

Needs - An opportunity for the person to connect with what it was that they were missing from the interaction. These are based on the humanistic needs that were propounded by Maslow. They are universal and essential to everyone’s well being. By identifying the needs of all involved, people can move from venting toward the building blocks of finding ways forward.

Requests - By connecting to our needs we can then create strategies for how we would like these needs met. This can include giving other people the opportunity to meet these needs. It can also be a recognition of what else a person might do to increase the quality of their life. By using the four steps above, you help create opportunities to build connection with the other party and other potential ways to forward.

In summary, NVC is a reframing tool that can help people get beyond blame and accusation and focus on the heart of the matter. By looking at what is important to the individuals, rather than their judgements and evaluations of what happened in the past, difficult conversations can become opportunities for greater understanding. Every step of the process is set-up to build healthy relationships that can be a valuable asset to any mediator.

For more information visit http://www.cnvc.org/

member : Edward Nelson, 2nd Sep 2010

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